


Love Is Always Tender

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drunk Jim, Emotional Baggage, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-02
Updated: 2004-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jim is drunk and admits to his confusion about Blair's kind of love.[This story was printed in the zine "Tales of Cascade 2" in July 2004 and appears online for the first time here]
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Kudos: 35





	Love Is Always Tender

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks much to the zine's editors and staff to help improve the story.

Blair knew he was late. It was almost ten in the evening and he should have had dinner with Jim at six. However he had been caught up in putting the finishing touches on his new dissertation, determined to make this one flawless and perfect as he had to hand it in within a month’s time.

Almost 18 months had passed since he had left Rainer University because of the disaster over the accidental disclosure of his Sentinel dissertation. Slowly everything had calmed down and they had found a new kind of normal.

Blair had needed some time to process the offer to become Jim’s official partner and had ended up saying no. He liked the occasional ride with Jim but he loved his work, had been an anthropologist for years; it was his dream. Besides he hated violence and didn’t like the thought of having to kill someone even in self-defence. Thus he had sought for a way to write a new dissertation and his impressive work, written before the disaster with the Sentinel dissertation had granted him a place at Wilman’s University, another large university in town. Jim had been very understanding all the way and had insisted that he didn’t feel mad about Blair declining the offer to become his official partner. After a few months, things had cooled down enough to allow Blair to return to his Observer status at Jim’s side and even before that he had ridden unofficially with Jim, so there had been no incidents of Jim zoning without his Guide nearby to help him.

So, since he knew he would be late tonight, Blair had called home and left a message on the answering machine for Jim, not wanting to worry the older man when he didn’t show up as promised. Given Jim’s strong protective instincts, he might just drive to the University to find him as he had once before when Blair had forgotten the time and had disconnected the phone in order to work in peace. Jim had gone from worried to relieved to mad when he had found that Blair was unhurt, just buried in his work.

Finding his key in his backpack Blair unlocked the door to the loft he was sharing with Jim and went inside. He put down his bag beside the door and closed it, putting his keys on the kitchen table as he hung up his jacket. He saw Jim sitting on the sofa, staring straight ahead into nothingness with an almost empty glass in his hand. Some six different liquor bottles of various sizes stood on the coffee table before him and Blair frowned in concern. Being a Sentinel Jim rarely drank because it made his control of his senses slip much more easily. The numbness of his mind brought about by a drunken state could make him forget the pain until he awoke with a hangover that one time had been painful enough to send him into unconsciousness. Besides the matter of his Sentinel abilities, Jim was a man who hated losing control of a situation. Thus Blair had only ever seen him drink twice: once at the anniversary of the plane crash which had killed his men in Peru and the other the night his friend Danny Choi had been killed. Both times Jim had remained very silent about his pain. Betraying his Covert Ops training, he had not spoken a word even after a few drinks; in fact he hadn’t really appeared drunk at all and Blair had realized he was still keeping his control, not feeling safe enough to let go. He had quietly asked Blair to leave him alone which Blair had done until the next morning when he had needed some help getting back on his feet. For Jim to drink tonight meant something really bad must have happened today and Blair instantly felt guilty that he hadn’t been with him.

“Hey, Jim,” Blair’s voice was deliberately low and soft not sure how much control Jim had over his senses at the moment.

Jim hadn’t seemed to notice he had returned but he knew Jim could tell his heartbeat apart from others, even in a large crowd, so either he had zoned or he was deep in thought, not responding to Blair because his was a safe presence in Jim’s territory. At the sound of his name Jim turned and looked at him and smiled widely and exaggeratedly at him, betraying he was, if not drunk, at least tipsy.

  
“Saaandburg,” Jim said loudly, wincing a bit at the loud sound of his own voice but still hurrying towards him to give him a large hug, almost tripping over his own feet in his haste.

“Hey, steady there, big guy,” Blair mumbled softly, warmly, as he steadied him and gave him a big hug, putting his head on Jim’s broad chest. All too soon for Blair’s taste, Jim drew back, still running on the high energy of the drinks as he smiled.

“Am sooo glad you’re here. Now we can have fun.” His blue eyes sparkled as he reached for Blair’s shirt and began to unbutton it, frowning because it wasn’t an easy task in his present state.

“Jim! What are you doing?” Blair still kept his voice down but drew back a little, alarm in his eyes.

Blair had known he had been in love with his roommate for many years but it wasn’t until a few weeks earlier than Jim had admitted to the same feelings. However Jim had been very nervous about it, as he had never been with a man before. In his happiness Blair had managed to get them all the way to Jim’s bedroom and had begun to undress Jim before he had sensed Jim was so nervous he was shaking. Not quite sure what had happened to make his beloved friend so nervous, he had gently said to Jim that they didn’t have to have sex just yet. Instead they had just held each other all night and that had been enough for Blair. He could wait…hell, he had already waited for years; he could wait a few more months.

“Huggin’ you…” Jim replied to Blair’s question as if he wasn’t very bright. He smiled again as he added, “And kissin’ you if you’ll just stand still and stop talking.”

That said his lips caught Blair’s before Blair gently drew back and looked into Jim’s eyes, noticing the unsteady gaze and worried if Jim still had enough control over his sense of sight.

  
”Jim, are you drunk?”

Okay, so the question wasn’t all that deep but he wanted to know how far gone he really was. A direct question usually did the trick.

Jim smiled widely. “Yep.”

Despite his worry, Blair was secretly pleased that Jim now apparently trusted him enough to let go, unlike the two earlier times when he had wished to forget the world and his pain for a few hours. He wasn’t quite sure what to expect from Jim in this state, as he had never seen him out of control before.

Jim’s hands began to fumble with Blair’s belt buckle but Blair laid his hands over Jim’s, gently but firmly trying to remove them.

“I…Okay,” Blair said as he tried to be gentle in his denial but Jim seemed intent in his task and Blair drew back a bit, making his words a little more forceful .

“No, Jim. Please don’t do that.”

Jim’s hands stopped at once and he looked puzzled. “Why?”  
  


“You’re drunk. It wouldn’t be right.”

He took Jim’s arm in a gentle grip and guided him back towards the sofa. “Come on, sit on the sofa. I’ll make some coffee.”

He turned towards the kitchen but Jim was quicker and spun Blair around, holding him close to his chest. His eyes held a deep intensity of emotions; a love so deep Blair almost lost his breath.

“Don’t want coffee. Want you.”

Again he brought his lips to Blair’s and Blair put his arms around Jim, enjoying the moment before he had to pull back to breathe.

“I want you too but maybe we should talk first,” he said softly, trying to get his body to relax so he could slow his heart rate and respiration. It wasn’t every day the man of his dreams threw himself at him and Blair’s body seemed more than willing to ignore a few moral issues. He forced himself to leave Jim’s warm embrace and began to make coffee.

  
”You always want to talk,” Jim pouted as he reluctantly went back to the sofa and Blair couldn’t hide a small smile; he sounded like a child.

  
”I think you’ll thank me in the morning,” he said reasonably and knew he was right.

Jim had had enough betrayal in his life; Blair was determined not to become another name on that list.

  
”It’s not like you’ll be taking advan….adva…” Jim began softly but had to give up, as his tongue didn’t want to give him the word at the moment. However the pleasant buzz of the alcohol made sure that fact didn’t disturb him much.

“I want it, too,” Jim settled with.

  
”I know. But remember last time we talked about this? Two weeks ago?”

Blair felt like he was talking with a child but he knew Jim could easily get hurt and he didn’t want his newly found love to turn away from him now.

  
”You said you loved me,” Jim smiled widely and warmly at the memory and Blair did likewise.

“Yes and I do,” he replied lovingly as he began to take two cups out of the cupboard. “You also said you love me…”

“I do,” Jim nodded eagerly as if he was afraid Blair didn’t believe him. “Soooo much,” he added with a smile as he spread his arms wide as if to demonstrate and again Blair smiled fondly.

Normally cute would never be a word he would associate with Jim but when he was tipsy like this it could definitely fit.

”That’s good, Jim, but remember what else you said? You said you had never been with a man before so we decided to take things slow. Kissing and holding was okay but more than that we agreed upon taking slow. It won’t be right if I give in to my desires now when your decisions are slurred by alcohol.”

“But it’ll be fuuun!” Jim again tried with a brilliant smile.

Blair sighed softly at his persistence but smiled anyway. Good thing the many years of hiding the true depth of his love for Jim from him had given him such strong willpower against Jim’s very seductive charms for Jim’s offer was very, very tempting…

“Are you always like this when you’re drunk?” he asked with some amusement.

Jim seemed to think about it and frowned in concentration.

  
”Don’t know…Haven’t let myself lose control like this before.”

Blair was deeply moved by his words and this show of faith and didn’t know how to reply to it. So he said nothing as he sat on the sofa next to Jim while pouring coffee into a cup and putting it before Jim then doing the same with his own cup. He put all the empty bottles of liquor on the tray he had used for the coffee and pushed it away from Jim and himself.

  
”What happened today anyway? Something bad happened? I wish I had been there…” Blair began softly, looking intensely at Jim.

Over the years he had learned to read Jim’s face for emotions, knowing he rarely voiced them out loud so Blair had to get the information from somewhere else.

“You were lectu…le…at school. That’s important stuff. You have almost finished your doctorate on that police society stuff at Wilman’s University. That’s good,” Jim nodded eagerly as if trying to convince him.

  
”Yes and I know you said you were alright with me continuing my studies and riding with you as a consultant but…are you sure you’re not mad I didn’t accept the offer to become a detective?”

  
”Sure. I didn’t really want you to…” Jim began but stopped as Blair cast him a hurt look. “Not like that, love,” he quickly said and reached out a hand and softly stroked Blair’s cheek before withdrawing his hand. “It’s just…You could get hurt or it’ll be kill or be killed. I don’t want you to die…I don’t want you to have to kill someone.”

“Why?” Blair asked curiously, deciding that getting information out of his normally stoic partner wasn’t taking advantage of him if he chose to answer.

He was sure Jim’s Black Ops training would have kicked in and helped him keep his month shut if Jim didn’t want to answer. He remembered the last time when he had seen Jim drunk, drinking alone and in silence. He had still been in full control of his actions and hadn’t answered any questions Blair had asked. He had even known that Blair hadn't gone to bed when he went to his room to give Jim some privacy and had called to him to tell him to please do so. No, this wasn’t taking advantage of him. He was confident that Jim could keep any secret while drunk if he chose to. Hell, he was even sure he could kill quite efficiently while drunk, if need be.

“And drink your coffee,” Blair encouraged and took a sip of his own cup when Jim didn’t reply at once. Jim obediently drank from his cup.

”You’re no fun,” Jim mumbled in between sips and Blair laughed softly, still mindful of keeping his voice low.

“Why?” Jim repeated as he put his cup back on the table and turned to look into Blair’s eyes. “Chief, I need you safe…I…you’re the most important thing in my life…Always have been.”

  
”Wow,” Blair didn’t quite know what to say or do but was moved to hear those words. It wasn’t that he had ever doubted Jim’s love it was just that, as a man of words himself, Blair liked to hear them once in a while and Jim really tried but years of raising stonewalls to protect himself were hard to tear down.

“Thanks,” he said heartfelt and gave Jim’s arm a warm squeeze, knowing Jim opening up to him was a great honour. “I…I don’t know what to say. You’re not usually this…open about how you feel.”

  
”Sorry. You deserve that…” His voice dropped to a whisper that Blair strained to hear as Jim’s eyes fell to his coffee cup, taking it into his hands and looked down into it as if it was the most fascinating thing in the word.

“You deserve the best…” He raised the cup to his lips and mumbled under his breath, “no wonder you don’t really love me.”

  
”What? I didn’t quite hear you…” Blair forced himself to recall the words Jim had whispered and his eyes widened as the words became clear to him. “Did you…Do you…Jim, I love you, man!” he insisted strongly. “Always have. Why would you think I don’t love you?”

  
”Well, you…” Jim put the coffee back down on the table and made a helpless hand gesture.

  
”You need to do more than gesture at me. Jim, I really need to understand if we’re to get this to work,” Blair insisted, watching Jim's lips intently for his next words.

”It’s just…” Jim looked so lost as he continued, his voice a low mumble, “you’ve never hurt me.”  
  


”You need to speak a bit louder. I don’t have Sentinel hearing. Come on…I’m right here. It’ll be alright,” he said encouragingly as he put a comforting hand on Jim’s arm.

Jim forced himself to look at him and his blue eyes were filled with confusion and hurt. ”You haven’t hurt me.”

  
”Of course not!” Blair said, shocked. After a second thought he added, “Well, at least I try not to.”

  
”Why?” The question was spoken with such despair it tore at Blair’s heart.

  
”Because I love you, of course.” Blair was a bit confused himself as to Jim’s line of reasoning and wasn’t totally sure if he was serious with these questions or if the alcohol made him ask.

  
”If you loved me, you’d show me,” Jim insisted as he finished his coffee, his words showing signs that he was getting a better hold of himself.

  
”I do!” In his desperation Blair yelled the words, regretting his anger as Jim flinched with pain at his loud tone but before he could do or say anything Jim shook his head at him and went to stand by the window, looking out over the dark city. As always, Blair idly wondered what the dark night looked like to a Sentinel. Not dark or quiet at all he was sure of that.

“No, you don’t.”

  
Blair took a deep breath, forcing himself to be calm. Yelling would only, quite literally, inflict pain on Jim in this state and would serve no purpose.

”Jim, please…come, sit back down, okay?” He used his softest voice with a bit of what Jim called his Guide Voice to make his Sentinel obey his request. Reluctantly Jim returned to him and sat back down but still didn’t look at him. He looked straight ahead instead.

“Is this why you got drunk tonight? You thought I didn’t love you?” he asked softly.

"Yeah," Jim admitted quietly.

  
”Jim, I love you,” Blair said seriously, putting both hands on either side of Jim’s face so he could see his eyes, read the truth there and in the beat of his heart.

"The reason I wanted to take it slow with the lovemaking is because the first night we slept together, even with you just holding me, I could feel you trembling. I may not be a Sentinel but your nervousness was so strong even I could feel it. Jim… I love you. If we don’t ever have sex it’ll be all right with me but I’m sure we’ll reach that point within a few months. You’re just nervous of doing something wrong because you feel you need to do everything right the first time you do it. But there's nothing wrong with that as I've tried to tell you before. With time, I hope you’ll believe that more and more and then things will just work out.”

Jim looked down at the floor and Blair released him and drew back a little. ”It’s not that…not all of it,” he mumbled.

”It’s not? Okay….” Blair tried to be patient and strove to find out what else could be wrong.

  
Jim hid his head in his hands and whispered, ”I don’t…” His voice faded away and Blair embraced him, knowing this must be hard for him.

  
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me,” he said softly into Jim’s ear.

“Thanks, Chief.”

  
Blair smiled softly and nodded in reply as he withdrew a little.

“Okay, let me think then…” Blair said out loud, wanting to say what Jim couldn’t so he could help him. “You said I didn’t hurt you…” Suddenly it came to him and he gasped in shock. “Oh, my God! Do you think I don’t love you because I don’t hurt you?” Jim didn’t look at him but merely nodded. “Oh, Jim!”

Those two words held a world of sympathy and love as Blair embraced him again and planted a kiss on Jim’s cheek since he was still turned away. Blair didn’t press him to turn around, figuring he needed the distance. “Who taught you love and hurt had to go hand in hand?”

  
”My…dad,” came the soft reply and though Blair had expected as much from what Jim had already told him, the full extent of the abuse Jim’s father had put his son through still shocked him.

  
”That son of a bitch! Forget all I said about second chances. No wonder you didn’t want to reconcile with him and I, idiot I was, tried to push you.” Blair’s voice was filled with self-hate at the very thought.

Jim, as usual, had done his best to do what Blair suggested but now Blair had to admit that his advice only worked in a world where people had some spark of goodness in them. Blair began to doubt William Ellison had ever fallen into that category.

“You’re not an idiot!” Jim protested sharply, his eyes tearing into Blair, making him feel warm all over at Jim’s defence of him, though he was sad that Jim wasn’t as quick to defend himself the same way.

  
”Yes, I was. I knew something was wrong between your dad and you but I never pushed. I just let it hang in the air unspoken. I should have known better.”

Jim shook his head but knew arguing with Blair was useless when he was in this mood. Instead he poured himself another cup of coffee, filling Blair’s cup as well when he nodded approval and took a sip.

”Maybe my way of not speaking about things that are bothering me is contagious, hmm Chief?” he tried to lighten the mood a bit and Blair let him, smiling slightly.

  
”Very funny, Jim.” Silence settled between them for a while before Blair softly spoke again. “Now I understand…why you joined the army…They, like your dad, punish any mistake at once and always expect perfection. And…why you were so afraid of our love because, through your dad and probably most other men who you cared for at all, you learned that any kind of warm feelings toward a man were associated with hurt and maybe even physical abuse.” His whispered trail of thought was only met with silence but Jim didn’t contradict him.

Taking this as a sign that he was right, Blair began to rethink the last years he had lived with Jim. He had done his best not to hurt Jim because he loved him but if Jim saw love and hurt as going hand in hand…No wonder it had taken him so long to admit he loved him. Now that he thought about it, it made sense why Jim had thrown him out of the loft a few years back. Jim had figured Blair didn’t love him and expected him to leave so he had just not wanted to prolong the inevitable. Of course there had also been the whole Blessed Protector thing going on where Jim had thought he would kill Blair, not knowing it was pushing him away that would fulfil the vision he had had.

“Jim…in what way did you expect me to hurt you?” Blair wasn’t quite sure why he asked because he knew he would never hurt Jim but something in him needed to know how damaged Jim’s past was… maybe then he could find a way to heal him.

  
Jim shrugged as if it now wasn’t important but he still didn’t look at Blair when he spoke.

”Any way…start arguments, yell, tell me I did wrong…that I’m stupid…” His voice faded away and the last words were a soft mumble. “Hit me if you were angry or… leave me.” His voice clearly betrayed that the latter was what he feared; everything else what was he had expected.

Blair fought to get his shock and anger under control. He had minored in Psychology; he could do better than that.

“Jim, please…look at me,” Blair asked softly, fighting the tears his eyes wanted to shed for Jim. Slowly Jim did so.

“First of all you were a Captain and a medic in the army and led Black Ops missions. I doubt they let stupid people do that.”

Jim didn’t reply but he didn’t look convinced. Blair knew from the courses he had taken at campus that low self-esteem wasn’t easily corrected and could be something even someone who seemed strong could suffer from: their pursuit for perfection covering a fear of failing and a belief that they weren’t good enough. An idea came to Blair on how he could reach his life-mate, knowing Jim’s protective instincts never failed.

“Would you ever hurt me and say it was in the name of love?”

Jim shook his head and looked at him, shocked, as if he had totally lost his mind, taken aback by Blair’s change of subject and the words he spoke. “Never!” he denied hotly. “God, Blair, how you can even ask me that? I would die to keep you safe!”

Blair gave him a warm embrace, wanting him to know he hadn’t meant to imply he had ever feared Jim would hurt him. “And I feel the same way. I will never hurt you and I will never leave you,” he said lovingly before he drew back. Jim looked at him in surprise, seeing where his sneaky Guide had been heading with the question.

  
”Why? I don’t deserve you…” he began stubbornly, memories of all the times he had hurt or failed Blair dancing before his eyes, his death at Alex’s hands shining through above them all.

“Jim…” Blair began sternly but Jim caught him off.

”You can yell at me, y’know?” he said softly but intensely. “Throw things or hit me or anything…” he tried a small smile but it was fake and never reached his eyes as he added more softly, “I hate waiting for something to explode…”

  
”Jim, please…Listen to me,” Blair began strongly, holding Jim’s arms in a hard grip. “I love you,”

Jim looked set to protest but Blair overruled him. “For God’s sake!” The angry words weren’t directed at Jim but the loud tone made him flinch and Blair lowered his voice at once.

“I’m not going to suddenly hit you or yell at you…” he searched for the words, his voice now soft and warm, “…or tell you you’re worthless just because you forgot to buy the right kind of vegetables for the dinner I wanted to make.”

Jim looked confused at him as Blair drew him into a warm embrace, stroking his back in calming circles.

”I…I’m not sure I understand this kind of love,” Jim admitted softly, his voice now a bit sleepy after the emotional turmoil he had been through and the alcohol.

Blair drew back and helped Jim lie down on the sofa so his head was in Blair’s lap. Jim closed his eyes, feeling safe again, secure again, and Blair smiled warmly as he stroked a cheek and Jim turned into the caress.

“Then I will spend the rest of my life teaching you,” Blair mumbled softly, feeling a strong protective urge toward his Sentinel and the man he had loved for so long. “Our love is forever, Jim, and I’ll show you that love doesn’t have to hurt…I’ll show you what unconditional love really means.”

  
Jim moved a little to rest better in Blair’s lap, his body relaxed.

”I love you,” Jim said softly, his eyes still closed as he drifted off to sleep while listening to the comforting sound of his Guide’s heartbeat.

An ocean of emotions hit Blair and he leaned down and planted a kiss on Jim’s forehead, remembering Jim had often kissed his forehead or temple, even before he had admitted he wanted to share the rest of his life with Blair and no one else.

“I love you too, Jim,” Blair said softly as he reached out and got a hold of a blanket that lay neatly folded on his side of the sofa.

He spoke calmly and softly, easing Jim deeper into sleep as he began to unfold the blanket over Jim. “We’ll work this out. I’ll show you the true meaning of love…Love is warm and always kind. I’ll teach you…”

Having finished with the blanket he looked down at Jim and saw that he was asleep. He looked so vulnerable in sleep and Blair smiled softly at him, stroking his cheek again, knowing he would be having a very unpleasant night on the sofa but it would be worth it to be so near to Jim, holding him close to his heart. It was worth it to now know how he could help Jim, to know what had been holding them back in their relationship.

“I will guide you as I show you about love…Love is never about pain or possession but always about feeling safe and treasured. I will do all that for you as you have done for me.”  
  


_The End_


End file.
